Turns out the Police shot most of the people at The Empire State Building. Is that better or worse? I keep making the argument that if there had been a bunch of people with guns at the Aurora shooting there would have simply been more lead in the air, and more innocent people shot. I think this because most people aren’t trained to shoot the way the police are. Plus they are going to be scared and make mistakes and miss. Guns, it turns out, are really dangerous. Even nice people can kill people with them and they don’t even have to be doing it on purpose. Even trained police make mistakes. The only guy the real shooter at the Empire State building shot was his boss. That oddly restored my faith in humanity. “See he’s not completely 
crazy, he didn’t just show up and start shooting random people, he just shot his boss.” I’m not saying people should shoot their bosses. They shouldn’t. Don’t shoot your boss. I’m saying, it is conceivable why a person in a bad place might act on that desire. I say act on that desire, because most people with jobs aren’t acting on that desire everyday, everywhere. You should get a gold star with every pay check:
“Thanks for all your hard work and good job not killing your boss. Like when you put in for a day, not a week, just a day off three months ago so that you could go to your daughters kindergarten graduation. Which you had to go to because you love her and if you don’t your child’s mother would hammer on the fact that you blew it off until your kids just hate you. And then at the last minute we where like ‘sorry Joey, we just got in a shipment of widgets and they aren’t going to sort themselves.’ So we called you in that morning and said if you don’t show up we’d fire you? Thanks for not….you know ”
We are going to have to start saying “don’t kill your boss” a lot though, the economy isn’t that great. We need more jobs. We’re going have to start support groups or something :
“O.K. group, put your hands up if you wanted to shoot your boss today?” all hands go up.“ Would anybody like to share what they did instead?” “Stole Office supplies” “Masturbated in the supply closet” “Pee in the water cooler” “Found his house and gave his dog laxatives” “OK, it’s not OK to be mean to an animal and some of these are on shaky ground legally, but they’re still all better than murder. So, good job.”
Mike Huckabee decided to defend Todd Akin’s “Legitimate Rape” Comment by listing people who were products of Legitimate Rape (wait, I thought you couldn’t get pregnant if it was Legitimate Rape?) His list was about 2 people long. Shockingly zero other rape babies stepped up to defend Todd and Mike’s stance. Weird, you’d think they’d be all “rape it up everybody, come on.”
I’m writing this as Hurricane Isaac prepares to bear down on the RNC Convention. It will be ok though, even if it turns into a Katrina like disaster, because Michael “ Brownie you’re doing a heck of a job” Brown is now a radio host in Colorado, so if it get’s bad, there will be grownups around to help . You never hope for bad things to happen to innocent people, and the Caribbean doesn’t need any more weather related problems, but if this has to happen, it could turn into a nice break for Obama:
“Well, my house got destroyed, but my family and I where quickly evacuated, there was no looting and I got this snazzy gift bag with water, energy bars and collection of Shepard Fairy’s most beloved portraits.”
Lance Armstrong was stripped of all of his Tour De France titles this week. Does this mean all those plastic armbands where bullshit? I’m sorry, yes, it does. You where simply a pawn to the plastic arm band industry. I’d like to Dedicate this one to Lance: DRUGS IN SPORTS
Finally, R.I.P Neal Armstrong. You have real, giant, balls sir. Thank you and Rest in Peace.