Spencer's thought chunks

Bath Salts

fundamentals (by Spencer Dobson)

1. The Y213 virus will destroy the internet. As luck would have it the scientists that fixed the Y2k virus where amazingly superstitious, and chose to not create a year 13 in the computers calendar.
2.   Foschizzel will be incorporated into Rogers Rules of Order. “Can I hear the Nay’s” “Nay” “Can I hear the Foschizzels?” “Foschizzel” “The Foschizzels have it”
3. One of the idiots from “The Jersey Shore” will impregnate one of the idiots from “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo”. The child will be named Sparkle Poop and will the be first known baby to be arrested for drunk and disorderly
4. We’re all going to be all like “fig newtons, fig newtons, fig newtons” for three weeks in may. Then we’re over it.
   
5. The “Air Bud” reboot will be the “The Avengers” of 2013
6. Judd Apatow and Seth Rogan will promise to never make movies with out each other again
7. The last episode of 30 Rock will bring about the Crappocalypse. As was predicted by the ancients, when a show as good as 30 Rock is cancelled and a show as bad as The Big Bang Theory is considered great television, there will be repercussions of the biblical nature.
8. The new Trend in Food will be ‘Super Suck My Ass Organic’. In order to eat ‘Super Suck My Ass Organic’ you have to only eat foods that are still on the plant while explaining, at length, how much healthier this is for you. Most of its practitioners starve to death, because they where fired from their jobs for getting soil and leaves and bugs all over the break room by bringing live fruit bearing plants to work as a sack lunch.
9. In politics, conventional sex scandals will be replaced with an alarming number of reports of Congressional “Furry Parties.” And an alarming number of Congressional Furries will be dressed as “Plush toy Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter”
10. The new Crop of Fat Celebrities will continue to grow in popularity, causing people that would have been thin to get fat in an effort to stay fashionable. This will increase our already high demand for high calorie foods, which will cause a frosting shortage. Which will lead to fat craving inspired cannibalism. Which will teach us that you actually do take on the powers and spirit of the person you eat which is why Joss Whedon will be eaten by a pack of fat teens in august of 2013
11. The hot new drug will be a combination of Bath Salts and LSD. You’ll still eat peoples faces, but you’ll be like “Whoa, this dudes face really has a lot of colors!”
12. Some asshole will be all like “Ok, well if gay people can get married I can marry my Ocelot.” and we’ll all be like “Dude? What ever, that’s not cool.” But then we’ll have to admit, they do seem really happy together.
13. A new kind of underwear will change everything you think about ‘butt dialing’

forever lazy (by Spencer Dobson)

www.spencerdobsoncomedy.com

www.spencerdobsoncomedy.com

www.spencerdobsoncomedy.com

We had the RNC last week and the DNC this week. I didn’t write about the RNC last week because….I’m lazy and I wanted it to speak for itself. Mostly, I’m lazy. I will say, in hind sight, it spoke for itself. I guess if you are not getting enough political coverage at this point it’s because you don’t want any. I can throw some more in the pot, but it seems like, perhaps, people know that there is an election this year and there is a pretty good sized micro scope shoved up the back sides of the people running. So what else happened this week? ………………… What the hell. Here’s a couple of brief things.

As far as I can tell, the high point of the RNC was Clint Eastwood talking to a chair. The High point of the DNC was Bill Clinton laying it down like George Carlin. Side note, Sandra Fluke needs to send Rush Limbaugh a muffin basket to say “Thanks for making me famous.” It’s like a Venture Brothers Cartoon. “Rush, you’re a great villain, but we need to put you up against somebody fresh. How about this completely unknown Sandra Fluke Person?” “Why, surely if I thrust her into the public spot light she will instantly crumble under the pressure.” Surprise.

I do want to give The Huffpost Credit for consistently putting up a right column that perfectly clashes with the tone of its Center column “Dem’s Continue to Hammer Romney on Off Shore Accounts” “Ke$ha Posts Naked Pictures.” First off, I think the off shore accounts thing is really going to have traction, although I would bet there are Dem’s with money in tax shelters. I think that’s what Rich people do, and I’m not saying I’m for it, I’m saying Romney aint the only rich asshole in politics. Secondly, Ke$ha had her knees up, so you couldn’t see anything. It’s like, what the hell, you’re naked on a technicality. Back in the day if a news paper said someone was naked, they made damn sure that person was naked. (Granted I have no proof of that ever happening.)

I went to a memorial for a comic friend who died suddenly at the age of 62. Wild Bill Bauer was a guy that gave a lot of support to a lot of comics and was a genuinely funny Comic himself. He will be missed. People felt moved to be funny at Bills wake. His funny and famous friends and family shared funny stories that made you laugh and cry. Laughter helped the tears. Rest in Peace Sir, thank you for your help over the years.

On a side note, myself and a group of comics went to lunch before the memorial. In the midst of a conversation about music, the waiter chimed in with “Oh, yeah, I’m in a band” Which is generally pretty annoying unless he’s like “Perhaps you’ve heard of… Devo.” or something like that. But then he goes “…I DJ…” so all of us old jerks who don’t think DJing is the same as playing an instrument (No offence to Terminator X, a DJ can be a band, all the same, learn a chord or two.) suppressed our sighs and “really’s?” and then he got to the end of the sentence “I also do Christian Dub Step.” Holy mother of farts. How is that even possible? (Dubstep (/ˈdʌbstɛp/) is a genre of electronic dance music that originated in South London, England. The music website Allmusic has described its overall sound as “tightly coiled productions with overwhelming bass lines and reverberant drum patterns, clipped samples, and occasional vocals”.[1] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dubstep ) (I don’t condone using Wikipedia as a reference generally.)

My initial thoughts where “If you want to live in a ‘Christian world’ you have start coming up with your own shit. You can’t just be like ‘these aren’t pringles, they’re ‘Christian Pringles.’” But having given it some thought, Rock and Roll took gospel music and made it about sex, so maybe this is payback. But you have to wonder how much of that Gospel music was taken from pagan folk music and re-appropriated for Christianity? Like how Christmas falls on the winter Solstice because that way the Pagans that the Christians concurred could keep their holiday, while still growing the number of ‘Christians’…..(and on down the worm hole you go). ( I did look up some Christian Dub Step while writing this, and I have to say, i dislike it just as much as regular Dub Step.)

Any way you slice it, that dude’s job is to tell me what the soup of the day is, not try to convert me to the religion he will be leaving as soon as he finds the drug he supposed to take to truly enjoy the music he makes. Maybe this particular brand of “we’ll slap our bumper sticker on anything that’ll take us” religious out reach needs to be more like Apple and vet the things they slap their name with a little more scrutiny. “Christian Screamo”? no. “Christian Shoe Gazer rock” yes. “Christian Death Core” no “Christian trance” Perfect fit. (Completely random thought, isn’t one of the guys in the Insane Clown Posse a born again?) Having said all that, the soup was good and the food got there fast, so Rock on, or whatever the kids say these days. Dub on?

Free, Until I change that: This track is from the album Let’s Try This Again and is available for purchase on CD Baby here: http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/spencerdobson2

Source: Spotify

Source: Spotify