I guess it’s great that Oreo is willing to give diabetes to anybody. I don’t understand why One Million Moms are taking a political stance that consists of pretending a type of person doesn’t or shouldn’t exist and if they do exist, they certainly shouldn’t be acknowledged by a cookie maker. Why are we still arguing about “gay”? It’s not like people are putting on big foot costumes and trying to get special privileges. “Where here, where big foot, hey give me a bite of your sandwich?” Then yeah, you’re like “That’s not a thing, you can’t just put on a big foot costume and start wanting to take bites of peoples sandwiches, you can’t do that.” Gay’s not like that. Gay “is”. The only reason that a bunch of conservative women would be denying gay rights is…wait, is it possible they are the Million bitterly disappointed and passive aggressive on a national level beard moms?
Tom and Katie split this week. I can’t begin to explain the magnitude of the impact this is having on my day to day life. Is the earth still spinning? Are puppies still cuddly? Check again. Go look at a puppy and confirm to me that, in fact, now that Tom and Katie have split, that puppies are in fact, still cuddly. (Did I just miss a chance to imply that Tom is probably gay, yeah, I did. That is because, basically, I don’t give a shit.)
Our Health Care bill Passed. It’s not perfect. I know, I know, don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good. We really hate it when we use our tax dollars for stuff that doesn’t blow up. Maybe if the cure for strep throat had a little more Michael Bay to it, this whole thing would go better for everybody.
Obamacare is not the most important Supreme Court ruling this week.
The same day the court upheld Obamacare, they actually did something worthwhile. The Supreme Court handed down a half million dollar fine to CBS for showing Janet Jackson’s nipple for 9/16th of a second. Apparently you can’t show nipples if they do or could work. IF a nipple is functional, the way a women’s is, it’s like showing children murder after murder after murder. No, we do that. It’s like elevating vapid, pointless, talentless people to a level of celebrity simply because they are on tv….no we do that. It’s just bad to show nipples, They……. If it’s just sort of an ornament like a man’s, it’s fine. But even if it has been decommissioned, like you’re a women who has had a hysterectomy (can you say hysterectomy?) you still can’t show them because…..Children. I realize that seems weird, because like, the kid was eating there recently. Maybe even in the last year. That kid on the cover of Time could have seen the nipple on tv (if he was really quick) and then looked at his brunch and realized that boobs are…uh, cooties? So if you live in the land of the Free, It will cost you half a million for showing gods go-gurt dispenser on T.V. Get used to it.
1. Is it? is it on your Ipad? Really? You’ve got the recipe for corn bread stuffing on your ipad ….2 is it? Why don’t you eat a box of go fuck yourself.
2. You’re adults who have formed opinions on the Kardashions. That’s awesome.
3. I’m sorry you wrote a bunch of preemptive fan fiction for the now cancelled “The Playboy Club”. Sometimes life doesn’t work out.
4. Why wouldn’t we want to watch a 45 minute power point of you and your friends planking.
5. Gluten? I’ll Gluten you, you son of a bitch, Shut up and eat.
6. Angry Birds? Have I ever heard of Angry Birds? Is that a kind of pogs you ass hat?
7. Have you ever, even one time, had a thought that you did hear from tv, one time? Once? Just one thing.
8. Your baby didn’t say “Daddy” he said “blerpffff” So shut up about it.
9. You made instant stuffing in a $300 baking pan. That’s impressive stuff.
10. This electoral session is an exercise in bad theater and the limits of gullibility. But please, let’s pretend this isn’t bullshit and really get heated about weather Perry is more or less likely to not be the next president than Cain. And For the love of God somebody, stick up for Bachman.
2.Why don’t you try occupying a god damn job, Francis!
3. For the Last time, I didn’t go to Penn State!
4.Well then why don’t you go eat at Guy Fieri’s House?
5.They’re not Goof Balls, they’re anti depressants you asshole.
6.Stop trying to figure out what it would look like if Herman Cain and Newt Gingrich had a baby!
7.NOBODY SAY’S “WINNING” ANY MORE!
8.Put down your god damn phones for 2 god damn minutes so your god damn grandmother can say god damn grace, or so help me god, I will show you my punch in the face app.
9.I’m Drunk?! I’m Drunk?! You………………..I just love you guys. No, no, no, no, no….heres……I’m Drunk?!
10. I told you the reason people stopped deep frying turkey’s was because it burns down the patio, but NOBODY LISTENS TO ME.
I feel like sometimes the news is giving me in formation that will encourage me to commit crimes. After watching this I now realize that Card Counting is amazingly profitable and not all that hard. It’s possible they give me this information so I will go out and commit the crime and then they can cover it on Good Morning America. Tricky.
And Good Morning America is right, it did work in the Hangover. If it worked in the Hangover, it has to work in real life. That’s how the world functions. It’s just like how if you are being attacked by cars that turn into Robots all you have to do is make friends with cars that turn into Robots that happen to be on your side, almost inexplicably on your side. Why would the Robots give a crap about us? Seriously, if the cars turn into Robots, hide and wait from the to run out of gas.
Ok, to recap, stealing from casino’s is easy, just stop at around 6.9 million, The Hang Over is source material and If you are attacked by cars that turn into robots, find their robot enemies and befriend them. Maybe start by asking them if they would like to go to Joes Crab Shack. If the Cars/Robots like people, they will probably like crab and watching the wait staff do the electric shuffle.Source: countingcards